Food Memories

I am finding that food doesn't taste near as good as I remember it or in some cases imagine it. 

I've given into a few temptations recently.  Things that I see in commercials or smell and they sound / smell so good or I remember them being so good and I indulge.  And then it doesn't taste as good as I think it should.  It's a disappointment and I end up being disappointed in myself for giving in.

It's a lose - lose situation.  I need to break that habit.  I need to remember why I'm doing this.  I need to remember the ultimate goal.  I need to keep my eye on the prize.

More NSV's

Several NSV's.....  Had to go bra shopping - down 2 sizes.  Undies - down 3 sizes - 3x!!!!!

And best of all - Andrew can now wrap his arms all the way around me!!!!  Time to snuggle....  :)

2 month checkup

Had my 2 month checkup with the surgeon today. All blood tests (i.e. cholesterol, liver function, iron and vitamin levels) are perfectly normal -- WITHOUT MEDICATION! A1C is down from before surgery - w/ less medication. I'm on track on my weight loss and he said by the time I have my next appointment in June I should be in the 200's. 

I feel so good and so motivated right now. I need to hold onto that feeling! 

We're going swimming later after the pool is open - in the meantime I'm riding my bike.....

Struggling & Soul Searching

I don't know why but I'm struggling a little right now - I want to eat all those things that I know I shouldn't have.  I know part of it is commercial influences - the ads for the chips and snack foods and driving by all the restaurants.  Part of it is because my diet has relaxed a little.  But still - I feel like I'm falling back into the old habits and I don't want to.

Today I really wanted a piece of fried fish.  So we went to Long John Silvers.  I had the 1 piece of fish and 4 shrimp, 1 hushpuppy and a couple of fries.  It didn't really taste all that great - and now I feel like crap.  Why do I do this to myself?!

I am promising myself right now - I will not give in to those cravings again - that's all they are - cravings - and I can get past them.  Food will not win!

Shortly aftering entering this blog, I was eating wheat thins and dill dip.  Not many - but still.  Since then I've been doing some serious soul searching.  I think I'm afraid to lose weight.

Stupid huh?

I realized I'm right at the point that I started gaining when I had lost 50 lbs before.  I think I'm afraid to go further.  I've never been below 350 lbs since the kids were born.  I don't remember what it's like to be thin.  Will things change?  Will my relationship with Andrew change?  Will my parents finally accept me for who I am?  Will I feel loved?  It's that grief thing Dr. Sabapathy talked about.  My relationships are changing - my relationship with myself, my relationship with food.  Probably in some ways - my relationship with Andrew.  I'm more active.  I'm liking myself better.  And it's scaring the hell out of me.

So what do I do about this?  How do I get past this roadblock?  How do I learn to love the new me?  I think to start I'm going to re-read the books that Dr. Sabapathy recommended.  Then I'm going to do some more soul searching and examine all the reasons that I want this - I really do want this more than anything....

1) I want to be healthy - off medications and no sleep apnea
2) I want to retire with Andrew and be healthy enough to enjoy it
3) I want to be here for my grandchildren (some day)
4) I want to set a good example for my family
5) I want to be more active
6) I want to feel good about myself
7) I want to be able to volunteer with agencies like Hope Haven and Uplift
8) I don't ever want to sit on the sidelines again (remember Florida)
9) I want my family to be proud of me and to not be an embarrassment to them

You know - just typing this out has made me feel a little better.....  Now I just have to keep that feeling.