Struggling & Soul Searching

I don't know why but I'm struggling a little right now - I want to eat all those things that I know I shouldn't have.  I know part of it is commercial influences - the ads for the chips and snack foods and driving by all the restaurants.  Part of it is because my diet has relaxed a little.  But still - I feel like I'm falling back into the old habits and I don't want to.

Today I really wanted a piece of fried fish.  So we went to Long John Silvers.  I had the 1 piece of fish and 4 shrimp, 1 hushpuppy and a couple of fries.  It didn't really taste all that great - and now I feel like crap.  Why do I do this to myself?!

I am promising myself right now - I will not give in to those cravings again - that's all they are - cravings - and I can get past them.  Food will not win!

Shortly aftering entering this blog, I was eating wheat thins and dill dip.  Not many - but still.  Since then I've been doing some serious soul searching.  I think I'm afraid to lose weight.

Stupid huh?

I realized I'm right at the point that I started gaining when I had lost 50 lbs before.  I think I'm afraid to go further.  I've never been below 350 lbs since the kids were born.  I don't remember what it's like to be thin.  Will things change?  Will my relationship with Andrew change?  Will my parents finally accept me for who I am?  Will I feel loved?  It's that grief thing Dr. Sabapathy talked about.  My relationships are changing - my relationship with myself, my relationship with food.  Probably in some ways - my relationship with Andrew.  I'm more active.  I'm liking myself better.  And it's scaring the hell out of me.

So what do I do about this?  How do I get past this roadblock?  How do I learn to love the new me?  I think to start I'm going to re-read the books that Dr. Sabapathy recommended.  Then I'm going to do some more soul searching and examine all the reasons that I want this - I really do want this more than anything....

1) I want to be healthy - off medications and no sleep apnea
2) I want to retire with Andrew and be healthy enough to enjoy it
3) I want to be here for my grandchildren (some day)
4) I want to set a good example for my family
5) I want to be more active
6) I want to feel good about myself
7) I want to be able to volunteer with agencies like Hope Haven and Uplift
8) I don't ever want to sit on the sidelines again (remember Florida)
9) I want my family to be proud of me and to not be an embarrassment to them

You know - just typing this out has made me feel a little better.....  Now I just have to keep that feeling.