What the HELL is wrong with me?

I saw Dr. Sabapathy last week and then saw Nancy, the dietitian.  I had a plan - I knew what to do.  I started yesterday morning.  I set my goals, I pre-planned and packed my food.  I did good all day - well most of the day - I grabbed a couple of handfuls of popcorn from the breakroom.  Then I got home - pizza for dinner, then sorbet, then popcorn, then whoppers.  Damn.

What the HELL is wrong with me.  I want this - I really do.  So why do I keep sabatoging myself.  And when I eat this crap I feel like crap.  I have got to get this under control - I have got to do this.

Today - a new day.  I have my plan - I can work my plan - I WILL work my plan.

140 lbs makes no difference

Apparently 140 lbs down and I'm still an embarrassment to my son.  He says it's because he's "his science buddy".  Whatever.  I suppose he's also his "bar" buddy.

He just asked Andrew to go to the planetarium.  No, would you like to go Mom?  Just - I wanted to know if DAD wants to go.

Whatever.  His loss.  Screw him.

Journaling - An Eye Opener

I started journaling again the day I went back to work.  Now I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been as committed to it as I should - my excuse - because of work, therapy, Church and sometimes I'm just too tired to do it.  Too tired - to pick up an I-pad and enter a few items electronically.  What's that - sounds like an excuse?????!  Yep - most likely it's that I don't want to document exactly what I'm eating.

Yes, I have been working a lot of hours - even if I only miss 45 minutes - catching up on that 45 minutes takes at least 1 1/2 hrs.  Plus dr appts and I was sick one day - yes, this equals a lot of long hours to catch up.  Focused on work instead of myself - nothing new there.

I will say that counting up what I'm eating is a real eye opener.  I really truly didn't realize just how much "extra" I was eating.  Instead of less than 1000 calories a day - I was at more like 1400 calories a day.  Now with my little stomach - that means either high calorie foods or a lot of snacking or maybe a little of both.

In any case - I'm back to it.  I'm committed to working on the best ME possible and that includes journaling.  So, if it goes in my mouth - it goes on the I-pad.

Tracking

I did it today - as I promised myself I would.  I measured and tracked everything I ate - and wow does it add up fast!

What an eye-opener.  I chose healthy foods today - and I still managed to eat over 1400 calories.  Of course, I was starving tonight - just couldn't get enough to eat...  stress?  sadness?  or real hunger?  Hmmmmm.....

Making some adjustments tomorrow to allow healthy snacks with protein so hopefully will feel fuller.  And hopefully not as stressed / sad and so will feel better.

I need to be able to exercise - soon.....  I hope.

tracking and taking responsibility

Tomorrow I go back to work. I also return to weighing, measuring and tracking my food. I got this - I can do this.... At least the weighing, measuring and tracking - I'm more than a little nervous about returning to work....

I'm hoping that by next week I will be able to start doing some form of exercise. One step at a time, and with God's help - I will do this.

Ok with ME

I saw Dr. Sabapathy yesterday.  He said I was doing great - he could see the old, determined Sharon in there trying to get out.  He also said that I set expectations for myself too high and that I need to quit worrying about what everyone else thinks and concentrate on being OK with me.

He's right - I set expectations for myself so high that they are practically impossible to achieve - why?  Is it because I want to give myself an "out" if I fail, or is it because I know that I will never be good enough for certain people so I set the goals high so that maybe, just maybe, someday I will be good enough?  And when I don't reach those goals - I'm crushed.

I bought an i-pad last night.  I bought it so that I could have it to track my food and exercise right where I am and not have to try to read it on that darn phone.  I found an app that I like (or at least I think I will) for tracking.  And Dr. Sabapathy agreed that tracking, weighing and measuring should be my goal for the next month - focusing on what I can control instead of what I can't (exercise).

In the next couple of days I will be examining my goals - setting long-term goals and short term milestones to reach.  I will be keeping them realistic and attainable.  First I have to separate out what I want from what I think others want me to do....

My Responsibility / My Gift

I was reading the new OH magazine and it talked about how so many people are denied this surgery by their insurance company and can't afford to do it on their own....  So, as someone who has been granted the gift of the surgery by their insurance company, I have a responsibility to make the most of that gift and not waste it.

I know that - and I want it more than anything in the world.   I just don't know exactly how to get back there....  It's hard having had these 2 bumps in the road in the process - first the broken arm and then the foot surgery.  I think today I may pull my nutrition book and try to get some ideas on how to go back to the beginning.

I need to discover the reason why I'm having trouble getting over these speed bumps.  Is it mental?  Am I afraid of something?  What?  What are my goals?  I need to re-explore the reason I did this in the first place.

Lots of thinking to do today.