2 month checkup

Had my 2 month checkup with the surgeon today. All blood tests (i.e. cholesterol, liver function, iron and vitamin levels) are perfectly normal -- WITHOUT MEDICATION! A1C is down from before surgery - w/ less medication. I'm on track on my weight loss and he said by the time I have my next appointment in June I should be in the 200's. 

I feel so good and so motivated right now. I need to hold onto that feeling! 

We're going swimming later after the pool is open - in the meantime I'm riding my bike.....

Struggling & Soul Searching

I don't know why but I'm struggling a little right now - I want to eat all those things that I know I shouldn't have.  I know part of it is commercial influences - the ads for the chips and snack foods and driving by all the restaurants.  Part of it is because my diet has relaxed a little.  But still - I feel like I'm falling back into the old habits and I don't want to.

Today I really wanted a piece of fried fish.  So we went to Long John Silvers.  I had the 1 piece of fish and 4 shrimp, 1 hushpuppy and a couple of fries.  It didn't really taste all that great - and now I feel like crap.  Why do I do this to myself?!

I am promising myself right now - I will not give in to those cravings again - that's all they are - cravings - and I can get past them.  Food will not win!

Shortly aftering entering this blog, I was eating wheat thins and dill dip.  Not many - but still.  Since then I've been doing some serious soul searching.  I think I'm afraid to lose weight.

Stupid huh?

I realized I'm right at the point that I started gaining when I had lost 50 lbs before.  I think I'm afraid to go further.  I've never been below 350 lbs since the kids were born.  I don't remember what it's like to be thin.  Will things change?  Will my relationship with Andrew change?  Will my parents finally accept me for who I am?  Will I feel loved?  It's that grief thing Dr. Sabapathy talked about.  My relationships are changing - my relationship with myself, my relationship with food.  Probably in some ways - my relationship with Andrew.  I'm more active.  I'm liking myself better.  And it's scaring the hell out of me.

So what do I do about this?  How do I get past this roadblock?  How do I learn to love the new me?  I think to start I'm going to re-read the books that Dr. Sabapathy recommended.  Then I'm going to do some more soul searching and examine all the reasons that I want this - I really do want this more than anything....

1) I want to be healthy - off medications and no sleep apnea
2) I want to retire with Andrew and be healthy enough to enjoy it
3) I want to be here for my grandchildren (some day)
4) I want to set a good example for my family
5) I want to be more active
6) I want to feel good about myself
7) I want to be able to volunteer with agencies like Hope Haven and Uplift
8) I don't ever want to sit on the sidelines again (remember Florida)
9) I want my family to be proud of me and to not be an embarrassment to them

You know - just typing this out has made me feel a little better.....  Now I just have to keep that feeling.

Emotional Eating

I thought I was beyond all this emotional eating crap.  That is until Eric mentioned earlier in the week that he was leaving on Friday - then I couldn't grab those chips fast enough.  Luckily - the amount and type of trigger foods in the house is very limited.  All we had were tortilla chips.  A few is all I could eat.

Thankfully, I wised up quickly and put the food away.  When he left for the Air Force, I gained the 50 lbs I had lost plus 40 of their friends.  That's almost gone now - and I'm not going back there.

My new goal is to lose so much that when he comes home for Christmas - he won't recognize me.  I can picture us at the airport - waiting for his flight.  And he gets off the plane and walks right past me!  Wouldn't that be awesome!

I have this picture posted at work and I'm going to put one on my bulletin board as well.  The caption reads - "will he recognize me at Christmas".  Hopefully that picture and the one of me with Cali will provide enough reminders to help me through the pizza parties and receptions at work.

It's been nearly 20 years

and I can finally wear my wedding ring!  Now that's an NSV!

I've Lost a 6 year old - and I don't want her back!

We went to Garry and Julie's yesterday.  Allyson had mentioned that she didn't want to carry an 80 lb girl - Cali - through the snow. 

As of this last weekend, I've lost 81 lbs (between pre-surgery loss & post-surgery loss) since April of 2010.  I've lost a little more than Cali weighs!  I picked her up and I had to have someone take her - she was too heavy.  And I used to carry that weight on my body!

I've lost a 6 yr old - and I don't want her back!

OMG! I can't believe I did it!

I can't believe I actually did it....  What, you ask?  I entered the Macy's Million $ Makeover.  You have to write a summary about yourself and answer a lot of questions.  I've never put myself out there like that - but I did. 

Hope I win.

Damn Pizza

Today is the 3rd pizza lunch since I've been back to work (December 17th).  Not to mention a cake and punch reception, bagels, donuts, Christmas, New Years, mom's birthday and Andrew's Christmas party at the Argosy buffet.  Then add in all the smells of the restaurants that I have to pass to get home.  Having to walk through the bakery and specialty cheese / olives section (or I could go through the chip aisle) at the grocery store to get anywhere from the fresh fruit / veggies to any other part of the store.... 

It's frustrating and it's hard.  I haven't caved though and I'm proud of myself for that.  I don't expect others to give up what they want just because I can't have it but still....  Does it have to be so extreme!  Does anyone really need pizza every week! 

I'm not going to cave - I can find other things that I can have that will satisfy any cravings.  But really - let's give it a break - o.k.?

I've thought about this all day and here's what I've come up with......

The fact is I'm going to have to deal with this or come April when most of my restrictions are lifted I'm going to be in trouble. 

Until I win the lottery I'm going to have to deal with the food at work. Unless I can find a new grocery store I'm going to have to walk from the fresh veggies and fruit through the bakery and specialty cheeses. And unless I move I'm going to have to drive past Burger King to get home.  

I'm stronger than all those things. Food will not rule me (again). Losing 78 lbs and being able to do more things is so much better than a donut or a piece of pizza that makes me feel like crap anyway. I'll take a 5 hr shopping trip with friends over either of those things any day.