What the HELL is wrong with me?

I saw Dr. Sabapathy last week and then saw Nancy, the dietitian.  I had a plan - I knew what to do.  I started yesterday morning.  I set my goals, I pre-planned and packed my food.  I did good all day - well most of the day - I grabbed a couple of handfuls of popcorn from the breakroom.  Then I got home - pizza for dinner, then sorbet, then popcorn, then whoppers.  Damn.

What the HELL is wrong with me.  I want this - I really do.  So why do I keep sabatoging myself.  And when I eat this crap I feel like crap.  I have got to get this under control - I have got to do this.

Today - a new day.  I have my plan - I can work my plan - I WILL work my plan.

140 lbs makes no difference

Apparently 140 lbs down and I'm still an embarrassment to my son.  He says it's because he's "his science buddy".  Whatever.  I suppose he's also his "bar" buddy.

He just asked Andrew to go to the planetarium.  No, would you like to go Mom?  Just - I wanted to know if DAD wants to go.

Whatever.  His loss.  Screw him.

Journaling - An Eye Opener

I started journaling again the day I went back to work.  Now I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been as committed to it as I should - my excuse - because of work, therapy, Church and sometimes I'm just too tired to do it.  Too tired - to pick up an I-pad and enter a few items electronically.  What's that - sounds like an excuse?????!  Yep - most likely it's that I don't want to document exactly what I'm eating.

Yes, I have been working a lot of hours - even if I only miss 45 minutes - catching up on that 45 minutes takes at least 1 1/2 hrs.  Plus dr appts and I was sick one day - yes, this equals a lot of long hours to catch up.  Focused on work instead of myself - nothing new there.

I will say that counting up what I'm eating is a real eye opener.  I really truly didn't realize just how much "extra" I was eating.  Instead of less than 1000 calories a day - I was at more like 1400 calories a day.  Now with my little stomach - that means either high calorie foods or a lot of snacking or maybe a little of both.

In any case - I'm back to it.  I'm committed to working on the best ME possible and that includes journaling.  So, if it goes in my mouth - it goes on the I-pad.

Tracking

I did it today - as I promised myself I would.  I measured and tracked everything I ate - and wow does it add up fast!

What an eye-opener.  I chose healthy foods today - and I still managed to eat over 1400 calories.  Of course, I was starving tonight - just couldn't get enough to eat...  stress?  sadness?  or real hunger?  Hmmmmm.....

Making some adjustments tomorrow to allow healthy snacks with protein so hopefully will feel fuller.  And hopefully not as stressed / sad and so will feel better.

I need to be able to exercise - soon.....  I hope.

tracking and taking responsibility

Tomorrow I go back to work. I also return to weighing, measuring and tracking my food. I got this - I can do this.... At least the weighing, measuring and tracking - I'm more than a little nervous about returning to work....

I'm hoping that by next week I will be able to start doing some form of exercise. One step at a time, and with God's help - I will do this.

Ok with ME

I saw Dr. Sabapathy yesterday.  He said I was doing great - he could see the old, determined Sharon in there trying to get out.  He also said that I set expectations for myself too high and that I need to quit worrying about what everyone else thinks and concentrate on being OK with me.

He's right - I set expectations for myself so high that they are practically impossible to achieve - why?  Is it because I want to give myself an "out" if I fail, or is it because I know that I will never be good enough for certain people so I set the goals high so that maybe, just maybe, someday I will be good enough?  And when I don't reach those goals - I'm crushed.

I bought an i-pad last night.  I bought it so that I could have it to track my food and exercise right where I am and not have to try to read it on that darn phone.  I found an app that I like (or at least I think I will) for tracking.  And Dr. Sabapathy agreed that tracking, weighing and measuring should be my goal for the next month - focusing on what I can control instead of what I can't (exercise).

In the next couple of days I will be examining my goals - setting long-term goals and short term milestones to reach.  I will be keeping them realistic and attainable.  First I have to separate out what I want from what I think others want me to do....

My Responsibility / My Gift

I was reading the new OH magazine and it talked about how so many people are denied this surgery by their insurance company and can't afford to do it on their own....  So, as someone who has been granted the gift of the surgery by their insurance company, I have a responsibility to make the most of that gift and not waste it.

I know that - and I want it more than anything in the world.   I just don't know exactly how to get back there....  It's hard having had these 2 bumps in the road in the process - first the broken arm and then the foot surgery.  I think today I may pull my nutrition book and try to get some ideas on how to go back to the beginning.

I need to discover the reason why I'm having trouble getting over these speed bumps.  Is it mental?  Am I afraid of something?  What?  What are my goals?  I need to re-explore the reason I did this in the first place.

Lots of thinking to do today.

A Revelation

Journaling didn't work.  It just made me more frustrated.

But I was laying in bed last night after having eaten ice cream - my blood sugar was high, I felt like crap and I realized I don't want to feel this way.  I liked it when I was eating healthy.   My blood sugar was under control, I had more energy, I wanted to exercise, I wanted to get out and move around, I didn't hurt all the time.

I went to sleep determined to get up and start over - having a healthy breakfast, drinking my water, no snacking.  Then I get up and my water is gone, there's no bananas left, my throat hurts, my hip hurts, I feel like crap.  And I just want to cry and eat.

Is this a test to see if I have the willpower and control to not react negatively?  

I Know What I DON"T Want

If there's one thing that the past few weeks of being disabled and dependent on others has taught me - is that I don't want to continue to be dependent on others.  Not physically and not financially.

I have renewed my commitment to myself to get in control of our finances and of my health.  Today, I started journaling again.  I wrote down everything I ate - including the cookie.  Yes, I ate a cookie - but - I only ate 1.  Not the 3 that I had the day before.  And Andrew and I together cooked a healthy, yet tasty dinner.  And I wrote down everything I ate.  No, I didn't measure - but I'm being accountable for the THINGS I ate.

I also worked on our budget - and when I was dreaming of the patio furniture I wanted and the new chair I wanted for our living room - I reminded myself that I want a new home more - and cancelled those purchasing dreams.

I also figured out a nice, healthy, filling, protein-filled, lo-carb breakfast for myself.  And a similar lunch.  I still need to order more vitamins but I think I can get my protein in without purchasing the expensive shakes.  Breakfast is going to be yogurt with some fruit - either a banana, strawberries or pineapple or a combination of them, topped with some lo-fat yogurt and a little home-made granola.   Lunch - an apple and peanut butter and string cheese.  Lots of fiber, lots of protein, little carbs.

One of my "to-do's" is a container garden on the patio.  It will get me back into gardening which I used to love and provide fresh veggies for our table this summer - and for our friends.  And it will prepare me for taking over the garden when dad isn't able to do it anymore.  And, it will be great exercise.

One step at a time - together, with God, I know I can do this.

What Happened?

Here I am in 2012.  I was supposed to be close to my goal by now - at least that was MY plan.  But here I am - within 10 lbs of the same weight I was in May last year - 6 months after my surgery.

I was doing great - then I went to Minnesota with mom and dad for my brother's wedding.  I also starting eating carbs - this was my 6 months when under the surgery diet - carbs were allowed.  We got back - work was stressful, then Eric came home for a visit, then we went camping for Memorial Day.  Memorial Day weekend I broke my arm.

It was my first time hiking with everyone on a camping trip.  It had been raining and the trail was muddy and slick.  It was also covered in tree roots and rocks.  But nothing was going to stop me - I was determined to do it.  I had lost 100 lbs and I was going to put my new self into practice.  So off we all went.  We weren't 1/3 of the way through when I stepped on a rock, my muddy shoe slipped and down I went.  Andrew and Jenny helped me up and we continued on our hike.  Nothing was going to stop me.  Soon my arm started swelling and I told Jenny that I thought I had broken my arm.  I told Andrew I thought I had broken my arm.  We continued on the hike - I just made sure I didn't fall again.  Nothing was going to stop me - besides, if I stopped - I'd just have to turn around and hike back out - may as well finish.  We finished the hike and Julie came and picked us up.  When we returned to the campground - Andrew took me to the emergency room.  It took 2 weeks before the swelling went down enough and an MRI identified the break.  Six weeks off work, eating carbs, no exercise.....  Something stopped me.

I tried to exercise, I tried to eat right - but everytime I exercised, my arm swelled to the point the cast was cutting off the circulation.  I was bored, fast food was readily available, carbs tasted good.  Something stopped me - and let's face it - that something was ME.  I stopped me.  And I'm still struggling to find my way back.

But, I'm determined to do it.  I'm determined to find that woman who was determined to finish that 1 mile hike.  I'm determined to feel good and have energy again and I know that comes from eating healthy and exercising.

Now, I'm recovering from a surgery - on my foot.  The cause of that pain that I've had in my foot for 10 years  was finally identified and surgically corrected.  The problem is that I'm totally non-weightbearing for 6 - 8 weeks.  I'm 3 weeks in now and I'm going stir-crazy.  But one thing that being housebound and stuck in a choice of 3 chairs or a bed has made me realize that I don't want to be this way long term.

I want to be active again, I want to eat right.  I want to be independent and not have to depend on others.  And if I don't get back on track, get active and eat right - I will be bedridden and dependent on others for everything - long term.   And that's just not acceptable.

When I finished the above post, I went back and read my blog.  I think I know where I need to start - I need to go back to journaling.  So, I'm headed to bed for now - but in the morning - I start journaling.  Every bite, any exercise....  maybe even feelings when I'm eating so that I can identify the boredom eating.....