What the HELL is wrong with me?

I saw Dr. Sabapathy last week and then saw Nancy, the dietitian.  I had a plan - I knew what to do.  I started yesterday morning.  I set my goals, I pre-planned and packed my food.  I did good all day - well most of the day - I grabbed a couple of handfuls of popcorn from the breakroom.  Then I got home - pizza for dinner, then sorbet, then popcorn, then whoppers.  Damn.

What the HELL is wrong with me.  I want this - I really do.  So why do I keep sabatoging myself.  And when I eat this crap I feel like crap.  I have got to get this under control - I have got to do this.

Today - a new day.  I have my plan - I can work my plan - I WILL work my plan.

140 lbs makes no difference

Apparently 140 lbs down and I'm still an embarrassment to my son.  He says it's because he's "his science buddy".  Whatever.  I suppose he's also his "bar" buddy.

He just asked Andrew to go to the planetarium.  No, would you like to go Mom?  Just - I wanted to know if DAD wants to go.

Whatever.  His loss.  Screw him.

Journaling - An Eye Opener

I started journaling again the day I went back to work.  Now I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been as committed to it as I should - my excuse - because of work, therapy, Church and sometimes I'm just too tired to do it.  Too tired - to pick up an I-pad and enter a few items electronically.  What's that - sounds like an excuse?????!  Yep - most likely it's that I don't want to document exactly what I'm eating.

Yes, I have been working a lot of hours - even if I only miss 45 minutes - catching up on that 45 minutes takes at least 1 1/2 hrs.  Plus dr appts and I was sick one day - yes, this equals a lot of long hours to catch up.  Focused on work instead of myself - nothing new there.

I will say that counting up what I'm eating is a real eye opener.  I really truly didn't realize just how much "extra" I was eating.  Instead of less than 1000 calories a day - I was at more like 1400 calories a day.  Now with my little stomach - that means either high calorie foods or a lot of snacking or maybe a little of both.

In any case - I'm back to it.  I'm committed to working on the best ME possible and that includes journaling.  So, if it goes in my mouth - it goes on the I-pad.

Tracking

I did it today - as I promised myself I would.  I measured and tracked everything I ate - and wow does it add up fast!

What an eye-opener.  I chose healthy foods today - and I still managed to eat over 1400 calories.  Of course, I was starving tonight - just couldn't get enough to eat...  stress?  sadness?  or real hunger?  Hmmmmm.....

Making some adjustments tomorrow to allow healthy snacks with protein so hopefully will feel fuller.  And hopefully not as stressed / sad and so will feel better.

I need to be able to exercise - soon.....  I hope.

tracking and taking responsibility

Tomorrow I go back to work. I also return to weighing, measuring and tracking my food. I got this - I can do this.... At least the weighing, measuring and tracking - I'm more than a little nervous about returning to work....

I'm hoping that by next week I will be able to start doing some form of exercise. One step at a time, and with God's help - I will do this.

Ok with ME

I saw Dr. Sabapathy yesterday.  He said I was doing great - he could see the old, determined Sharon in there trying to get out.  He also said that I set expectations for myself too high and that I need to quit worrying about what everyone else thinks and concentrate on being OK with me.

He's right - I set expectations for myself so high that they are practically impossible to achieve - why?  Is it because I want to give myself an "out" if I fail, or is it because I know that I will never be good enough for certain people so I set the goals high so that maybe, just maybe, someday I will be good enough?  And when I don't reach those goals - I'm crushed.

I bought an i-pad last night.  I bought it so that I could have it to track my food and exercise right where I am and not have to try to read it on that darn phone.  I found an app that I like (or at least I think I will) for tracking.  And Dr. Sabapathy agreed that tracking, weighing and measuring should be my goal for the next month - focusing on what I can control instead of what I can't (exercise).

In the next couple of days I will be examining my goals - setting long-term goals and short term milestones to reach.  I will be keeping them realistic and attainable.  First I have to separate out what I want from what I think others want me to do....

My Responsibility / My Gift

I was reading the new OH magazine and it talked about how so many people are denied this surgery by their insurance company and can't afford to do it on their own....  So, as someone who has been granted the gift of the surgery by their insurance company, I have a responsibility to make the most of that gift and not waste it.

I know that - and I want it more than anything in the world.   I just don't know exactly how to get back there....  It's hard having had these 2 bumps in the road in the process - first the broken arm and then the foot surgery.  I think today I may pull my nutrition book and try to get some ideas on how to go back to the beginning.

I need to discover the reason why I'm having trouble getting over these speed bumps.  Is it mental?  Am I afraid of something?  What?  What are my goals?  I need to re-explore the reason I did this in the first place.

Lots of thinking to do today.

A Revelation

Journaling didn't work.  It just made me more frustrated.

But I was laying in bed last night after having eaten ice cream - my blood sugar was high, I felt like crap and I realized I don't want to feel this way.  I liked it when I was eating healthy.   My blood sugar was under control, I had more energy, I wanted to exercise, I wanted to get out and move around, I didn't hurt all the time.

I went to sleep determined to get up and start over - having a healthy breakfast, drinking my water, no snacking.  Then I get up and my water is gone, there's no bananas left, my throat hurts, my hip hurts, I feel like crap.  And I just want to cry and eat.

Is this a test to see if I have the willpower and control to not react negatively?  

I Know What I DON"T Want

If there's one thing that the past few weeks of being disabled and dependent on others has taught me - is that I don't want to continue to be dependent on others.  Not physically and not financially.

I have renewed my commitment to myself to get in control of our finances and of my health.  Today, I started journaling again.  I wrote down everything I ate - including the cookie.  Yes, I ate a cookie - but - I only ate 1.  Not the 3 that I had the day before.  And Andrew and I together cooked a healthy, yet tasty dinner.  And I wrote down everything I ate.  No, I didn't measure - but I'm being accountable for the THINGS I ate.

I also worked on our budget - and when I was dreaming of the patio furniture I wanted and the new chair I wanted for our living room - I reminded myself that I want a new home more - and cancelled those purchasing dreams.

I also figured out a nice, healthy, filling, protein-filled, lo-carb breakfast for myself.  And a similar lunch.  I still need to order more vitamins but I think I can get my protein in without purchasing the expensive shakes.  Breakfast is going to be yogurt with some fruit - either a banana, strawberries or pineapple or a combination of them, topped with some lo-fat yogurt and a little home-made granola.   Lunch - an apple and peanut butter and string cheese.  Lots of fiber, lots of protein, little carbs.

One of my "to-do's" is a container garden on the patio.  It will get me back into gardening which I used to love and provide fresh veggies for our table this summer - and for our friends.  And it will prepare me for taking over the garden when dad isn't able to do it anymore.  And, it will be great exercise.

One step at a time - together, with God, I know I can do this.

What Happened?

Here I am in 2012.  I was supposed to be close to my goal by now - at least that was MY plan.  But here I am - within 10 lbs of the same weight I was in May last year - 6 months after my surgery.

I was doing great - then I went to Minnesota with mom and dad for my brother's wedding.  I also starting eating carbs - this was my 6 months when under the surgery diet - carbs were allowed.  We got back - work was stressful, then Eric came home for a visit, then we went camping for Memorial Day.  Memorial Day weekend I broke my arm.

It was my first time hiking with everyone on a camping trip.  It had been raining and the trail was muddy and slick.  It was also covered in tree roots and rocks.  But nothing was going to stop me - I was determined to do it.  I had lost 100 lbs and I was going to put my new self into practice.  So off we all went.  We weren't 1/3 of the way through when I stepped on a rock, my muddy shoe slipped and down I went.  Andrew and Jenny helped me up and we continued on our hike.  Nothing was going to stop me.  Soon my arm started swelling and I told Jenny that I thought I had broken my arm.  I told Andrew I thought I had broken my arm.  We continued on the hike - I just made sure I didn't fall again.  Nothing was going to stop me - besides, if I stopped - I'd just have to turn around and hike back out - may as well finish.  We finished the hike and Julie came and picked us up.  When we returned to the campground - Andrew took me to the emergency room.  It took 2 weeks before the swelling went down enough and an MRI identified the break.  Six weeks off work, eating carbs, no exercise.....  Something stopped me.

I tried to exercise, I tried to eat right - but everytime I exercised, my arm swelled to the point the cast was cutting off the circulation.  I was bored, fast food was readily available, carbs tasted good.  Something stopped me - and let's face it - that something was ME.  I stopped me.  And I'm still struggling to find my way back.

But, I'm determined to do it.  I'm determined to find that woman who was determined to finish that 1 mile hike.  I'm determined to feel good and have energy again and I know that comes from eating healthy and exercising.

Now, I'm recovering from a surgery - on my foot.  The cause of that pain that I've had in my foot for 10 years  was finally identified and surgically corrected.  The problem is that I'm totally non-weightbearing for 6 - 8 weeks.  I'm 3 weeks in now and I'm going stir-crazy.  But one thing that being housebound and stuck in a choice of 3 chairs or a bed has made me realize that I don't want to be this way long term.

I want to be active again, I want to eat right.  I want to be independent and not have to depend on others.  And if I don't get back on track, get active and eat right - I will be bedridden and dependent on others for everything - long term.   And that's just not acceptable.

When I finished the above post, I went back and read my blog.  I think I know where I need to start - I need to go back to journaling.  So, I'm headed to bed for now - but in the morning - I start journaling.  Every bite, any exercise....  maybe even feelings when I'm eating so that I can identify the boredom eating.....

Confession Time

I haven't lost more than 6 lbs in 4 months.  I feel like I'm wasting this opportunity.  It started with my trip to Minnesota for Gary's wedding - at the same time I was first allowed to have carbs again.  Then we went camping - lots of bad choices and I broke my wrist.  8 weeks without exercise.  and sitting at home, watching TV - mostly cooking shows - and snacking.

Now the snacking pattern is back and I'm having trouble breaking it.  I tried to  blame the no weight loss on my accident - but that's not true - it's me.  I need to get back in the game.  I need to get a plan for lunches and dinners and stick to it.

Today, I have to work.  Tomorrow I'm home all day - waiting to leave to go camping.  Tomorrow I will revisit bariatric cookbooks and get ideas for lunches.  When we get back from camping - I will have a plan on how I'm going to overcome this and how I'm going to hold myself accountable.

Today is a start - I will take my protein shake to work and a yogurt.  I have no snacks at work so I'm stuck with what I take.  It will be a long day - we'll see how that goes.

I feel amazing....

and that's a problem.  I came  to the realization late last night that the reason I'm not doing very well with my diet and exercise is because I feel so great.  Since I feel so great - I forget how far I still have to go.  Then I skip exercise, I make bad choices with food, I don't check my blood sugar and I don't take my vitamins.

If I keep this up - I won't feel good for long.  So what am I going to do about it?

1) track my food - even if it's a bad choice - it gets written down
2) exercise - no more excuses.  Even if it's only my exercise bike for right now - it's something.  Once I get this cast off I'll start swimming again and when the doc releases me - will go back to circuit training.
3) vitamins.  For now I'll be more diligent about my vitamins - adding those to the tracking.  Eventually, I'll switch to the bariatric fusion vitamins so I don't have to worry about my calcium and vitamin b anymore.
4) blood sugar - ok, I probably won't track with every meal anymore but I will track in the morning.  At least check it - although I probably will just let the meter track it and not write it down.

I know I can do this - it's important to me.  Not just for vanity but to continue to feel great.  To continue to have good health. 

Luv me.

Transferred Addictions

I ate a dozen peanut butter cookies the other day.

I realized this morning that what I'm doing is transferred addiction.  Before surgery, I ate.  After surgery, I couldn't eat so I bought.  Now I can't buy (credit cards are maxed) so I'm back to eating.

This has to stop.  Eating is not going to change the situation with my hand.  It's either broken or a torn ligament or will be better soon and I'll be able to go back to work.  In any case, eating is not going to make it better.  It's not going to enable me to go to the gym.  It's not going to heal any faster by eating cookies and chips. 

I need to look at why I want to lose weight - at the changes that I've made already and the many changes that are yet to come.  I know I can do this - I want this more than anything.  I imagine myself at less than 200 lbs.  I can't wait for that day. 

I'm already so much more active - I go to the gym.  I hike when we're camping.  I walk to the bathroom when we're camping instead of driving.  I feel so much better when I'm not eating junk.

Today - a day of reflection.  To remember why I did this.  To remember how I felt at 441 lbs - how miserable, how sad....  And to envision my life when I reach my goal.

Disappointment...

in me.  I gave into carbs and now I'm struggling with cravings.  I seem to be eating all the time.  Is it stress, is it depression from sending Eric home again?  Can I blame mom for taking biscuits to Minnesota?

No to all of the above.  The only person I can blame is ME.  I choose what I eat.  Yes, it was difficult to avoid the carbs in Minnesota.  But, I had apples available.  I'm the one that chose to eat the biscuit.  I'm the one that ran through the drive-thru at McDonalds.

I shouldn't have started it - I have to stop it.  NOW!

Tomorrow I go back to protein and veggies and fruit only.  No, make that now, today, right this minute.  If I snack - it will be on fruit. 

Dr. Cusik (plastic surgeon who did Eric's surgery on his hand) was the guest speaker at the support group today.  I took that as a sign that I'm supposed to move forward.

No more excuses - so I have an open wound on my thigh - I can't swim and I can't do circuit training.  I can ride my exercise bike.  So I have a sprained wrist.  I can't do circuit training - I can ride my exercise bike and I can swim.  I can also walk. 

A quote that was shared with me today -- Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just dance. 

In other words - just do it - no excuses.

He noticed

Eric came home last week - it was the first visit since early this year.  When he was home before - he didn't notice - even though I had lost 80 lbs total at that time.  This time, he got off the plane and said "Mom - you're shrinking away".  He said I'm "half-mom" now.  It really felt good.

There's so many things I can do now that I didn't do before.  I have so much more energy.  I've been doing laundry, cooking, cleaning....  And,

this weekend, while camping, I went hiking on the trail.  It ended in a trip to the ER but I did it.  I hike a mile through the woods with everyone else instead of sitting at the campground with Julie.  I also walked to the bathroom (most of the time - I drove twice).  When the kids went splashing in the creek - I went down to the creek as well. 

The ER?  The trail was muddy and covered in rocks and tree roots.  I slipped in the mud and landed on my outstretched palm.  My wrist is swollen and hurts like hell.  Andrew took me to the ER - they said it was just sprained.  They gave me a prescription for Vicoden but I didn't fill it.  I didn't want to spend my camping trip in a fog.  The next day - I hiked again - just a short trail and it was paved - it was also all uphill.  But I did it.

I have also bought a bike.  We took it with us this weekend camping but with my wrist in a brace - I didn't get a chance to try to ride it.

I started circut training at the gym.  It's hard but it's worth it.  I can already see a difference in my muscle tone.  I'm grounded until my wrist heals - but I'll be back at it and in the meantime - I'm going to go back to riding my stationary bike.

Nothing is stopping me now - nothing!

100 lbs - total loss

I did it...  100 lbs total loss since February 2010.  59 lbs since surgery.  My next goal will be 100 lbs lost since surgery.  According to Dr. Kowalski, I should make that this summer.  It feels good.  No I take that back - IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!

I went shopping with Stella last night.  She convinced me to try on regular dress slacks - you know the kind with a waistband and a zipper.  I went in the dressing room - convinced they wouldn't fit but I tried.  They fit.  I bought 2 pair.  :)  IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!

I saw Dr. Mounla this week.  I'm off my "with meal" insulin.  Still on the evening insulin but that's down from 4 shots a day to 1.  IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!!  I have to start taking a couple of oral medications now and Dr. Mounla said "we'll try it but no guarantees you won't have to go back on the insulin".  Well since then - that was Monday - I have only had 1 blood sugar above 100 and that one was 101.  In your face doc!!!!  IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!!

I increased my exercise this week - I'm riding 20 minutes at a time on my bike instead of 15.  And I actually enjoy it.  And I can do it.  IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!

I said "no" when someone asked me to take on another task this week and the world kept spinning.  IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!!!

I found out I do have some self-confidence.  IT FEELS AMAZING!!!!!!

Things I've learned in the past year:

1)  This is not the easy way out.  Whoever first said that needs to walk a mile in my shoes, it's not easy.

2)  Even with surgery - you have to work at weight loss.

3)  I feel so much better when I make healthy choices.

4)  Sometimes I have to put me first.  If I don't take care of "me" no one else will.

5)  I can say no and the world keeps spinning.

6)  I am worth the effort this takes.

Onward - next goal.  299!  42 lbs to go.

This is me the day I made 100 lbs gone - I had climbed to an overlook at an Iowa State Park.

The diet police

For the first time - the diet police struck today.   I started to eat a bag (small one) of snack mix and someone said - no you're doing too good to ruin it with that.  And grabbed the bag away.  I got one mini-pretzel.

Normally that would totally piss me off - but she did it with love so it was o.k.

I'm so close to 100 lbs total gone - I can feel it.  But the darn scale won't budge.  It's frustrating but I know the weight will come off. 

I'm getting a little nervous about the 5 month mark - it's coming on April 1st.  I can start eating pasta, rice, potatoes, beef, pork - "normal" food.  The thing is - I don't think I want to.  I feel so much better not eating that crap - and I'm afraid to start eating it again.  I think that deep down I'm afraid that if I do eat that stuff I'll immediately balloon up again.  I know that it won't happen that way but that's what I'm afraid of.

I think for now I'll just take it slow and not jump in with both feet.  If I'm out and have something - ok.  But I won't cook that stuff as part of my regular diet.

Did You Have Surgery?

I had my first "did you have surgery" comment today.  I answered her truthfully.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I was proud to say that I did, that I'm doing great and I feel great.  She said I was just melting away.

It feels good.

Food Memories

I am finding that food doesn't taste near as good as I remember it or in some cases imagine it. 

I've given into a few temptations recently.  Things that I see in commercials or smell and they sound / smell so good or I remember them being so good and I indulge.  And then it doesn't taste as good as I think it should.  It's a disappointment and I end up being disappointed in myself for giving in.

It's a lose - lose situation.  I need to break that habit.  I need to remember why I'm doing this.  I need to remember the ultimate goal.  I need to keep my eye on the prize.

More NSV's

Several NSV's.....  Had to go bra shopping - down 2 sizes.  Undies - down 3 sizes - 3x!!!!!

And best of all - Andrew can now wrap his arms all the way around me!!!!  Time to snuggle....  :)